I am the husband of a lovely wife and the father of two beautiful boys. Would you think highly of me if I told you that one day, I decided to leave them to find enlightenment? I did not say goodbye, nor leave a note — but simply left. I made sure there was plenty of money in the bank, so my family would not be in financial need after my departure. Does that sound commendable? Or more like a crime? Buddha’s quest for enlightenment appears more like a tale of abandonment to me.
One account of his life relates…“Siddhartha’s (Buddha’s birth name) mind was made up: he would leave his life of luxury and search for truth. Knowing he would not receive consent, that very night as everyone lay sleeping, he bid a silent farewell to his wife and son. He mounted his horse and set out for the forest in the far reaches of the land where the holy men gather. When he arrived, he cut his long hair and donned the robe of an ascetic, a man of solitude searching for wisdom. Now, at the age of twenty-nine, his journey had begun.”
Read the whole story at: Buddha’s Story
Now, I’m all for enlightenment. But at what cost? Is abandoning your family an acceptable path to awakening? Some would say it doesn’t matter. Detachment from need & desire is part of the way. Well, I’m sorry but a child needs his father! Abandoning your child, not to mention your wife for any reason is unacceptable and selfish. Is it me or does Buddha’s decision seem based in ego?
Wouldn’t finding enlightenment AND being a dependable person be that much better? Why not try raising your children and finding your higher self? Not to mention working full time to pay the bills! Now become enlightened! Suddenly it seems near impossible.
Buddha didn’t have to raise his family. He left them behind like trash so he could find his true self. Nice huh? He parked himself under a tree and forwent all his worldly possessions (not to mention his responsibilities to his family). If you ask me, Buddha took the easy way out. And although I respect in his teachings, I do not respect his course of action as a father.
Just one second though. Is there more conflict than meets the eye here? Maybe it was heart wrenching for Buddha to walk away from his family. Maybe it was for the greater good that he did so. Instead of looking at it as abandonment of his family, could it be that his path gave him no other choice? Or maybe the story was crafted (as my wife suggested) during a time where socially, a wife and child were not considered equal in importance to the man of the house. I don’t know, but here’s a question: Is the greater good of many souls more important than the greater good of one? Does the impact Buddha made on the world make the hurt he inflicted upon his son acceptable? If, to save 100 I must kill 1, does that make me a savior or a murderer? For no matter what I choose, there is suffering.
But I am not Buddha. I am a man struggling to survive and keep my family healthy and safe. This is my higher self. Yes, I would like to find enlightenment, but I have chosen, like many dads, to put my family first — not my own needs. There is no ego here, and I think at some level, the story of Buddha is flawed because what he did at least in part included ego & selfishness.
What I do know for sure is that I have no desire to leave my family behind — for any reason. How can I help the world if I am not honoring the ones closest to me? What kind of example is that?
And, how can we as modern day dads find a slice of peace and enlightenment of our own? Before my children were born, I made a strong connection with spirit (when I was able to make the time to meditate for an hour a day). Now I struggle to get in touch with it. For me I know the answer begins with more sleep, meditation and a bit of exercise every week. The sleep part is going not so good (at least tonight). As I write this, it’s already 12:30 in the morning.
Remember, you are not alone…
Stumble It!
I agree 100% that you’re not alone. I never knew any of this about Buddha and you bring up some very good points.
Your wife is probably on the right track. Men and women were probably not equal, but why did he have to leave in the middle of the night?
All of us dads do need to find our own bit of peace. I haven’t figured out how to do so but I’m trying to become less selfish (it’s not as easy as some think).
–TW
By: Tyler on January 7, 2008
at 3:35 am
[...] Brain throws me for a loop when he calls Buddha selfish. I dare say the argument has [...]
By: Manlicious Manliness « Persistent Illusion on June 25, 2008
at 7:57 pm
I can’t believe I finally have heard someone else mention this oft-unknown fact about Buddha. I always thought it was a ‘less than god-like’ thing to do, as well. I think it takes more mettle to make a success of a family than to go off by yourself and get ‘enlightened’, lol.
By: Tammy on June 25, 2008
at 8:47 pm
Interesting post. BTW I think enlightenment comes from being a parent!
By: Connie on June 25, 2008
at 11:18 pm
To Manlicious Manliness:
Thank you for the comment and the callout on your blog. It is much appreciated!
To Tammy:
Agreed. And the greatest challenge of all is to be a real dad & husband while finding enlightenment!
To Connie:
I have found being a dad to be very enlightening in many ways. I have, unfortunately, lost some attributes I gained from regular meditation. Right now with two little boys, I’m finding it very hard to make time to have regular meditation.
Peace,
babbo
By: babbo on June 25, 2008
at 11:51 pm
The Buddha experienced his worldly life as a prince, husband and a father before his Renunciation and he knew what married life entailed. People may question the Buddha’s renunciation by saying that he was selfish and cruel and that it was not fair for him to desert his wife and child. In actual fact, the Buddha did not desert his family without a sense of responsibility.
He never had any misunderstanding with his wife. He too had the same love and attachment towards his wife and child as any normal man would have, perhaps even greater. The difference was that his love was not mere physical and selfish love; he had the courage and understanding to detach that emotional and selfish love for a good cause. His sacrifice is considered all the more noble because he set aside his personal needs and desires in order to serve all of mankind for all time.
The main aim of his renunciation was not only for his own happiness, peace or salvation but for the sake of mankind. Had he remained in the royal palace, his service would have been confined to only his own family or his kingdom. That was why he decided to renounce everything m order to maintain peace and purity to gain Enlightenment and then to enlighten others who were suffering in ignorance.
One of the Buddha’s earliest tasks after gaining his Enlightenment was to return to his palace to enlighten the members of his family. In fact, when his young son, Rahula asked the Buddha for his inheritance, the Buddha said that Rahula was heir to the richest wealth, the treasure of the Dhamma. In this way, the Buddha served his family, and he paved the way for their salvation, peace and happiness. Therefore, no one can say that the Buddha was a cruel or selfish father. He was in fact more compassionate and self-sacrificing than anybody else. With his high degree of spiritual development, the Buddha knew that marriage was a temporary phase while Enlightenment was eternal and for the good of all mankind.
Another important fact was that the Buddha knew that his wife and son would not starve in his absence. During the time of the Buddha it was considered quite normal and honorable for a young man to retire from the life of a householder. Other members of the family would willingly look after his dependents. When he gained his enlightenment, he was able to give them something no other father could give — the freedom from slavery to attachment.
By: Saksree on September 11, 2008
at 11:09 pm
Saksree, thank you for your response.
Unfortunately, I feel you have missed my point.
You mentioned having courage and understanding to detach that emotional and selfish love for a “good cause?”
What better good cause than one’s own child?
In my opinion, true love is not attached to ego, therefore it is not selfish at all.
You mentioned that “his sacrifice is considered all the more noble because he set aside his personal needs and desires in order to serve all of mankind for all time.”
As a dad, there is a RESPONSIBILITY we have to our children. This has nothing to do with wants or desires. How can we care for the world and discard our own family? This does not seem very noble to me.
What about the sacrifice Buddha’s son had to make? He had no father. Who cares if he was provided for? He had no father, and that is unacceptable.
Peace,
babbo
By: babbo on September 12, 2008
at 12:45 am
I have had similar doubts about Buddha’s action of leaving his family behind. In the above comments, I feel both baboo and Saskree have their passionate viewpoint about which is more important to serve first – mankind or own family. The answer is inextricably wound to every individual’s own sentiments.
On a related note, similar debates have taken place on Gandhi. He left most wordly possessions to lead the path of truth, non-violence and India’s freedom struggle. But, “heretical” accounts also describe the pain his son had to undergo because he did not get enough of his father’s support due to more-than-normal self-righteousness of Gandhi.
By: Ankit on March 7, 2009
at 9:07 pm
@ Ankit: Thank you for your comment. I did not know that about Gandhi. They kind of left that part out of the movie (lol). It often seems in an effort to elevate somebody to “god-like” greatness, much of the story is left out.
I wonder, if Buddha were alive today, would he make different decisions? How much of what transpired was simply the paradigm he lived in?
Do high levels of accomplishment always necessitate such imbalance & loss? And is the accomplishment really worth it?
Success is not truly success if you lose at 3 things to win at 1…
Peace,
babbo
By: babbo on March 7, 2009
at 10:55 pm